Words Matter

Teaching 2

We often justify our behavior instead of learning.  Verbal defenses can hinder our growth.

We defend ourselves in many ways. It is necessary to defend ourselves from things which threaten our life, health or well-being. But what about those things that we perceive as an attack on our self-concept? who or what we believe we are?

Let’s consider here the verbal defenses that we tend to use to protect ourselves. Let’s look especially at those situations that make us feel tense or threaten our self-image.


If we want to unfold our possibilities, it is good to become aware of our verbal defenses.

While on one hand, these defenses help us face the circumstances of life. On the other, they impede our advancement and the possibility of knowing ourselves better.


We are so identified with our verbal defenses that they blind us to how we really behave. We fail to see why we are that way. Nor do we notice what we generate in others and the environment when we use them.

We tend to feel free to say whatever comes out of our mouths. We think we’re being spontaneous, without realizing that we’re obeying impulses and reactions. These drive not only the words themselves, but also establish the quality of our entire system of relationships.

Paying attention to my words

It’s logical, then, to work on language as a way of working on our unfolding.

When a situation reveals our problems or touches a sore spot, we react in many ways, from physical aggression to the silent treatment, from mockery to formulating a theory of reality.

In any case, the way we defend ourselves always highlights something we don’t accept in others or in ourselves, or situations we can’t solve or prefer to ignore.

Moreover, despite our precarious certainties, we feel the need to be absolutely certain. We identify so much with what we think and believe. Our beliefs are not only about life and the world but especially about what we think of ourselves. Anything that casts doubt on these certainties automatically activates defenses that generate reactions which we express in words.

Identifying my beliefs


Many of our conversations serve more to relieve our tensions and reinforce our self-image than to establish real communication with others.


Talking as a de-stressor is a way of defending ourselves from ourselves and others. Do you ever find yourself talking a lot because something bothers you? A reaction can be hard to master. This is especially so because we justify our reactions. We use verbal defenses. We find it hard to acknowledge our weaknesses.

We’re in the habit of pointing out—with words—all the reasons we are right. In our interpersonal relationships, many of our conversations are more like escape valves than real means of participation.

For example, when we are going through a difficult situation, we look for someone to talk it over with. When we unburden ourselves, we feel better afterwards. But we fail to notice if the other person has time to listen to us. Nor do we recognize if they can handle what we’ve told them. How much will we upset their day—or their life—with what we tell them?


Our verbal defenses are also self-justifications. Expressing our anger when others criticize us is a way of affirming ourselves in what we think and do. When we criticize others we feel superior to them, justifying
the way we are and strengthening our belief that we’re right. In the context of how we use our words, we can identify two types of automatic defenses.

Limiting and Aggressive Defenses


The first we call Limiting Defenses because they cloud our perception and understanding, for example, when we justify ourselves, refuse to listen, or complain. The second kind we call Aggressive Defenses because we use them as weapons to attack. Examples of these would be sharp words or condemning
judgments.


What should we do about our verbal defenses so that they don’t become obstacles to our unfolding or damage our relationships? A simple way to work on them is to make them evident. Seeing them as they are makes it obvious how futile they are and the low level of consciousness that they imply. The exercises of stopping described below have this aim in mind.

Exercises of stopping can also be very valuable for learning about ourselves. If we practice them not only when we notice our verbal defenses but also at other times, we can become much more aware of ourselves and our situation.


When we stop what we’re thinking, feeling or doing, what happens in us is like what happens when a loaded vehicle stops suddenly. Whatever is loose is thrown forward, while whatever is fastened down tightens the straps that hold it in place.

Stopping as an exercise


In the same way, when we stop ourselves interiorly, whatever is “loose” in us is projected onto the screen of our mind: habitual thoughts and feelings, associations, memories, grudges. Whatever is “fastened
down”—preconceived ideas or prejudices—may become even stronger. With practice, and perhaps spontaneously, we begin to understand why we think and act as we do.

The habit of observing impartially what’s inside us helps us to understand why it’s there. This prompts us to expand our view of things, to deepen our notion of being and to harmonize our relationships.
To be able to practice the exercises described in this course, it’s good to make a plan, including what exercises to practice, as well as how often and for how long. The characteristics of each exercise will suggest when to use them.


It’s also good to complement these exercises with exercises of reflection. An exercise of reflection consists in taking distance from our reactions. Since our reactions are spontaneous and habitual, we tend to identify them with our way of being rather than seeing them as aspects of behavior that we can analyze by thinking about them. For example, at a moment of peace and quiet, we can reflect on the various ways we reacted to events that day.

We don’t label these reactions; we simply observe them and try to identify what sometimes motivates us to react in ways that hurt the people we care about—reactions that also hurt us, even though we might not realize the harm we’re doing to ourselves.

Exercises of reflection


Another exercise consists in reflecting about what we experienced when we practiced the suggested exercises. As in the previous exercise, we find a quiet and peaceful moment to go over what happened during our exercises. We observe our inner reactions and the way in which those around us react when we do the exercise. For example, we reflect on what happens inside us when we don’t say something that we feel the impulse to say. We also observe what happens in others when we give them space by not talking too much. And we draw conclusions.

When I stop reacting, I can listen

There are exercises in the following Teachings that can reveal our verbal defenses to us. In the last Teaching there are some guidelines to help us organize our thoughts, assimilate concepts, make our conversations more enjoyable and, especially, develop empathy and participation with others.


All the exercises go together. Each of them is an aspect of a single exercise that can be summarized as an attitude of inner freedom and respect for those around us.