Working with Inner Struggles

Or “A Road Not Taken”

How can I trust myself to take the right road, to make the right decision?  Meditation can help.

Do you ever feel stuck?

As in, standing at the fork in the road and having no idea where to go.  These moments leave me with an internal struggle. It is as if I do not trust myself. My mind can come up with the most ridiculous reasons to stay right where I am and at the same moment, tell me I am being lazy and unmotivated.  Blah, meh, poor me.

I try to reframe inner struggle as a helpful spot to be in.  I have choices that many people do not.  It can be a luxury to choose your path, your next adventure, and meaningful work.

I remember when I didn’t have choices, when the road was clear. In those days I had two small children and a husband who traveled for work.  I also worked outside of the home and had to work around my sick kids, school, broken appliances and all the small and large bumps in the road. My road was chosen for me. You wake up to a feverish toddler and your day is mapped out for you.  Probably the next day too as the other twin was usually just a day or two behind, following the virus du jour.

What choices do I have?

Yes of course, but they had to fit inside the larger framework of the needs of those who rely on me for absolutely everything. There is always a choice in how to respond or react to those outside influences.  I could meditate in the morning before anyone got up, but the option was a bit more sleep. Now that had a great pull, sleep was always prized in those days.  Some days, I meditated with a child on my lap, snuggling and comforted as words were softly repeated.

One of the themes of the meditation that I do is called the Two Roads, perfect right?  I must admit it is one of my favorites.  I often find myself at a juncture of some kind.  There are so many choices in a day, both large and small.  The struggles can also be large and small. Personal struggles can include a conflict with a coworker or a tug of war with a child.  A doctor with whom I worked always reminded us that in a game of tug of war, the person who lets go of the rope never gets hurt.  Release, breathe, meditate, reframe, repeat.

Choosing my attitude

Through meditation, I have learned that although I don’t have control over the circumstances of my life, I can work on choosing the way I respond. What attitude do I bring to each situation?  I can be quick to judge the response other people have to their life events.  It is something I am consciously working on.

Working as a hospice chaplain for 18 years, I have imagined my own death many times.  It is actually an exercise called personal death awareness in volunteer and employee training and it is a valuable tool to bring awareness, consciousness, to something we will all face one day.  It opens a conversation that many people struggle with.  At that fork in the road, I imagine a gentle and accepting dying process for myself, of course I do! 

I have witnessed and walked with hundreds of people on this journey.  Will I still choose kindness over frustration, patience over anger?  It is an easy image to insert oneself into but what is it like after weeks or months of persistent pain or disability?  What of the hours on hold with hospitals or providers?  It is arrogant of me to think I will always respond or choose acceptance and kindness, but it can be the road I strive to walk. I remember that Elizabeth Kubler Ross, the founder of the modern hospice movement, struggled and railed against the dying process when it was her body that was wracked with pain. She admitted to considering, briefly, taking her life just to end the suffering. Yet she made a choice, staying with the difficult road, meeting a death so different from the one imagined.

Seeing a bigger picture

I would like to offer another more everyday example of choosing the attitude with which we meet end of life circumstances. An older man was lying in bed, minimally responding to those around him. His wife of 60 years sat by his side. She was lost. She spoke of the fact that he had never been sick, how could this happen?  How could God let this happen? I silently thought to myself, what a wonderful life! To never be sick, to have a long and loving marriage is a wonder. Yet she was responding with disbelief and anger.

I realized that this was temporary. What I could do was listen and let her work through all of the fears and emotions that assaulted her. What she saw laying in that bed was an end to the life built with a person that she loved for most of her life. Once the shock of this sudden event faded, anger would shift to grief and then hopefully to appreciation for the life they shared. Often, making those conscious choices toward an attitude of gratitude and love takes time and effort.

How do I choose?

The roads that I face today are certainly self-imposed.  Nothing that I can clearly name unsettles me. I have an unrest, a sense that the next path I follow is not clear, but it is calling to me.  So, I read, pray, think, meditate.  I can picture the fork in the road. It is always the same. It is not a superhighway exit ramp or even a paved road. My Two Roads is a forested, beautiful country lane with green grass and tall trees. Both roads look the same. There is no sign saying what direction it takes or what wonderful place is at the end of this road or that one. Internal struggle continues…

Excerpt from The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost  

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Two roads, two choices:  trust your gut.

Push me-Pull me

Struggle seems like too strong of a word for the spot I stand in today, but I can’t think of a better one.  Maybe inner unrest? Have you ever seen an implement used to pull or push the racks of a hot oven?  Mine is made of wood and shaped like a squirrel and it is called a “push me-pull me”.   I feel that internal push and pull.

The world is falling apart, what can I do?  Or the world is falling apart, time to escape with a nap or a good book.  I feel both the need to do something and the futility of the efforts of a single soul in this troubled world. What road should I take?  Where can my skills and efforts be helpful? A personal reminder is that it’s not all about me. Where does this road take me in relationship with other people and their struggles? I work to make a conscious decision. I have chosen a road of service and participation with other people, most often people I do not know but meet along the way.  When I keep that mission or goal in mind, choices become clearer.

Trust your inner voice

I don’t want to be pushed or pulled, that seems to indicate a lack of self, or a personal choice to move this way or that way. Instead I look for an internal, intuitive knowing of what direction to take. I check my internal compass and sometimes it doesn’t seem to make sense, but I’ve learned to trust it. 

While working as a hospice chaplain and seeing people in their homes and senior living facilities, I often turned my car around and headed to a destination that was not on my schedule. I trusted that nudge to go here or there. This nudge was not a push or pull. I knew, I just knew what I should do. I trusted that inner voice. That trust allowed me to go places that were uncomfortable or difficult. Today, I am waiting for that same sense of inner knowing.  I can be impatient. I implore the universe to get going, show me which way I should go. Where should I be? How can I help?

Meditate and Listen

Trust can guide us in our meditation practice

Close your eyes and stand with me at that fork where the road becomes two roads.  You may have a different picture from mine.  Your road may be on a mountain side or lined with tall prairie grasses.  The fork remains the same.  The road splits, you must choose one or the other or be paralyzed by indecision or apathy.

These two roads could symbolize or be a metaphor for the place you are at with an important decision.  A choice has led to an inner struggle. You are asked to lead an important committee at work, you struggle with paying tuition for your child, you see a friend suffering and don’t know how or if you should be involved.  Envision an inner space where you are free from personal desires.

Take slow and full breaths in and out.  Let thoughts float by without stopping to be reflected on or worried over. Let thoughts move through your mind without stopping or holding. Breathe. Rest in this place.

Remember to trust that trust will come.

Standing at the fork in the road of trust

Do you see yourself standing at the fork in your road?  What does it feel like?  Is it a place of comfort, familiar and supportive?  Is it a place of indecision and anxiety?  Do you feel a gentle pull toward one path or the other? Feel those feelings very gently.

With time trust will come.

How do you respond to these feelings? This picture? Don’t force or push yourself.  Imagine yourself walking down the path on your right. Just walk, breathe, look around, feel the sensations, the sights, the smells, the sounds that surround you. I can hear the leaves rustle in the trees and the sounds of birdsong.  I can smell that forest smell of undergrowth and life growing in every log and pile of leaves. The light is dappled coming through the canopy of tall branches.  Is this a place of comfort, challenge, fear, or anxiety?  Feel those feelings and then let them move on. Sit with these sensations, this picture. Be still. Let the “to do list” of thoughts that enter your mind float on by.  Be still.  Breathe.

Discover trust and take the road less traveled.

Return to the fork and look down the other road.  Is this one the less traveled path?  Does it intrigue you or scare you?  Don’t hold those feelings but let them be.  Don’t expect or push for an answer or a direction.

Returning to full wakefulness and the day ahead of you, try to remember these images, these feelings and sensations. It can be a mini refresher in a busy day. It can help you build trust.

Listen and Trust your inner voice

Back to those two roads and that struggle to choose.  Answers don’t come immediately even though we might like them to.  Tomorrow meditate on the left side of the fork in the road. You can change the scenery, the climate, the feelings but maintain the separation from your everyday worries or thoughts. Imagine a different way of being. This might be your Groundhog Day, like the movie where you repeat, reexperience, reimagine every day until one day it feels just right. It fits. It is the road where you have become more honest with yourself.

I believe that much of life benefits from an internal struggle that is honored, respected and engaged. It is a place of learning and compassion for both the self and for those around us.

Be still, take the time to listen to that soft voice of inner knowing. Only you can choose which path to take. Be true to yourself.

About the Author(s)

Susan Martersteck
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Susan is a wife and mother of grown twin sons. She is an educator and a retired hospice chaplain. Susan continues to work in support of pediatric palliative care and bioethics. Meditation and prayer are an important center in her life.