Observing My Different Selves

There are so many parts of me: different characters, roles, moods, wants and preferences. There is a spiritual side and an ordinary side. I ask myself, where is the coherence? Is there a wholeness that is really me? What does it mean to be truly free? Can I find inner freedom?
The split between my spiritual life and “ordinary” life is the most obvious disconnection. As I have been working on developing my inner life, I have found that I’m living in two different worlds. I have created parallel levels of experience. One is “ordinary” life, and the other is “spiritual” life.
Spiritual or Ordinary Life
Which part is really me? Do they need to coexist as separate entities? Truly I yearn for wholeness. I want one whole life that is spiritual. Why is it difficult to find?
When I finish my meditation, I leave my spiritual life and go back to “ordinary” life. The understandings and state of mind that I experienced in my meditation are apparently forgotten. Where did they go? My consciousness is once again taken over by my habitual unconscious habits. I am barely present with what I am doing.
Where are my habits taking me? I realize that I have developed habits over my lifetime that keep me on the road of the personality. These habits keep me on the road toward personal ambition and desires. Even though they were once useful, now I have outgrown them. Now I yearn for a more transcendent meaning to life.
These habits are not easy to give up or change. Although it wasn’t easy, I was willing to take on the challenge of changing them. As long as I allowed these unconscious habits to govern my life by directing my behaviors, I can’t be whole. I remain subject to the many different selves that make up my personality.
Knowing where I want to go
Searching within I have gained much knowledge of how I want to respond to life from my highest consciousness. I understand that this does not require me to do something that is considered great in terms of personal advancement. It is not necessary to change jobs or give away my material possessions. Nor is spending many hours of the day in meditation and prayer required. I have come to understand that it’s not what I do that keeps me in my separate compounds, but the consciousness with which I do it. To find unity in my life, I can give my “ordinary” life a spiritual dimension by living consciously.
Having this understanding is just a first step. The step of understanding that it is possible to live my spiritual principles in my present life is essential. Now I need to put this understanding into practice: to live what I want for the better world I envision.
All parts working together
How many times have I found myself thinking one thing, and then doing another? Knowing what I want does not make it a reality. Now it is up to me to look at all the many parts of my being and find my true wholeness.
You see, I need all the parts working together to achieve wholeness. Looking at the competing compounds within me, I realized that they are not the whole me. There is something deeper and more real. This is the essence of who I am. It is the real me who is aware of all the components of my life but doesn’t identify with any of them.
Not identifying with any of them is key
Not identifying with the many components of my personality gives me wholeness. It is in this wholeness that I am sheltered from the noise and distractions of my ego with its desires and ambitions. From this wholeness I can consciously choose to live the spiritual principles I have embraced.
What is wholeness? Is it needed for freedom? Wholeness is not stripping myself of all my competing parts: the rational mind, unconscious habits, the past, conditioning, body, emotions, or relationships. It is not ignoring or repressing my fears and wounds. Where would I be without these parts? There are some parts I need to transform and others I can put to better use. This needs conscious, persevering attention.
I find a good analogy in the human body. The human body is made of many parts. External body parts like arms and legs, neck and head are some of them. However, there is also the inner world of organs, glands, arteries, etc. And these parts are made of cells. There are myriad parts of the human body. We can see that the body needs all its parts to be whole. Not only are all the parts necessary, but all the parts need to work together fulfilling their own purpose for the good of the whole.

Sometimes it seems that one system or another has forged out on its own without considering the whole. It feels like the digestive system mutinies when I feed it too much sugar and fat. But it is just trying to do its job. And I’m not helping. The body, as a whole, will rally around a malfunctioning part to get it working again. They all need each other to be at its best operating condition.
Isn’t that a kind of freedom?
All my different selves need each other
This is the same with the parts of my inner life. My emotions don’t need to sabotage my rational mind. My rational mind needs my emotions. They can work together, instead of competing.
My conditioning is not useful when it interferes with my relationships. It’s possible to examine my conditioning to see how it is sabotaging a relationship. This examination can show me how I’ve been conditioned to look out for myself when I really need to consider the needs of others. Seeing how my conditioning gets in the way of creating harmonious relationships, I can ask myself is this response useful or even necessary?
Emotions and conditioning are part of my inner components that I can look at because they can cause me pain. Pain pushes me to examine what is hurting me. What is dangerous for me are the countless hurts and shames that I have hidden away. I am afraid to look at them. I ignore them because they don’t fit into who I think I am–this self-identity I am trying hard to preserve. However, no matter how much I repress them, they still affect the way I act and live my life.
Knowing all my selves in my search for freedom
I would like to share a freedom poem by my young friend, 20-year-old Emily Beile. It accompanies one of her ceramics works.

“Despite
My soul is sore, it is bruised, but it continues to be nourished.
I’ll always have a constant fear, yet I have chosen not to live with it.
My roots are long AND luxurious, they continue to grow.
I have the memory engraved forever.
I am incessantly MAGNANIMOUS.
My life is not perfect, nor will it ever be.
I am endlessly ABUNDANT!”
Thank you, Emily, for reminding me that it is from our bruises and fears we can be nourished and grow. Perhaps it is not our apparent successes in life that make us strong, but when we feel like we have failed. It is the wounds that give us wisdom. And from these scars we can walk a path based on compassion and love for our life and what it brings. We can make our life magnanimous and abundant. We can find freedom.
Recognizing all my parts leads to freedom
Why is life so abundant when we recognize its components? Recognizing them allows me to no longer identify with them.
To be free from my unconscious habits, my moods, my fears and deep wounds I must recognize them and acknowledge them. I can’t “sweep them under the carpet.” I need to see them. To do this, I become the Observer. The Observer needs to be brave and compassionate. Getting to know oneself is not easy and sometimes it hurts. But I forge on. When I’m carried away by anger or I feel self-pity for what I perceive as an injustice, I step back and become the Observer. I watch and learn. What can I learn from my suffering?
What I struggle with now is not to allow my Observer to become The Judge. The Judge endlessly tells me what I like and what is good or bad. This separates me from life and humanity. Life is to be lived. My Observer can see how the components of my personality control my life. This helps me to discern how I want to respond to life. To be present and open to what comes.
Imagine how these habits keep me from being truly free. I was bound by them to keep on the path directed by personal desires and ambitions. But I no longer want to take that path. I realize that it won’t take me beyond my own self. With selfishness comes controlling relationships and loneliness. Thankfully, I have awakened to a true sense that there is something more to life.
The Observer
Becoming the Observer has enabled me to no longer identify with the competing parts of me. From this place of clarity, I can make conscious choices that help me fulfill spiritual principles and spiritualize my life. This is to be really free. I become the captain of my own ship. I can navigate my various inner movements and direct them toward my spiritual yearnings.
Have you ever contemplated this kind of freedom? It is inner freedom. Although I’m subject to the external laws that manage communal life, this freedom is inner. I can choose what I want to do, think, or feel. I am free from my unconscious movements that no longer take me where I want to go.
What I discovered is that living a spiritual life is not a destination I am going toward. For me, spiritual life is a process of unfolding my consciousness. With this unfolding of consciousness comes an awareness of life, both inner and outer. Life is no longer centered on the small radius of me and what I want. Giving up my selfish motives frees me to respond to the needs of others. Without these selfish motives, I can put aside my defense system that separates me from others and damages my relationships.
Going beyond my selfish boundaries to become whole
These are just a few signposts along the way. These signposts are keeping me on my spiritual path of unfolding my consciousness. It gives a meaning that goes beyond my selfish boundaries to include more and more. It may seem contradictory, but as I expand my consciousness and include more and more, I become whole.
Becoming whole, I am not only my whole unique self, but I also find a wholeness that is connected to all. For in this depth of wholeness, I find not only the wholeness of my individuality, but my connection with the wholeness of the Universe. I am part of this whole.
Finding help along the way
I have shared with you my experience about developing my inner life. Being aware of what goes on inside is something that I think is something useful for everyone to experience. I hope you are asking, “How can I look within myself and find wholeness?” Wanting to do it is the most important thing. However, in my experience it is not a quick and easy process. It takes time and effort and a method.
To help me on my journey within I became a member of Cafh. Cafh is a spiritual path that has a method to help those who are interested in expanding their consciousness and finding freedom and wholeness. As I go through my day, my thoughts, feelings, and actions are spiritualized by practices given to me by Cafh. Every act of my day is significant. Good thoughts are cultivated to help me fulfill these acts and connect with others. Learning how to not allow my feelings to take me where I don’t want to go has helped me to stay on track. I acknowledge them and get to know them. Doing this allows me to keep my feelings from causing disharmony in my relationships.
This is how I’ve discovered to make my life Magnanimous and Abundant as my friend, Emily, so beautifully writes. I become conscious of all the parts of me and accept them. As I learn the lessons they offer, all the parts are formed into one. I become whole.
About the Author(s)
Diana Autumn lives in a spiritual community in Southern California. She likes trees, walking and being with friends.